I’M TORN TO SHREDS, TO PIECES, TO NOTHING: HOW COULD MY BROTHER, MY IDOL HAVE BECOME SO TOTALLY REPUGNANT TO ME?????

Let me begin by saying that I love my brother and my love for him is unconditional.

What I’m about to describe didn’t happen overnight, please believe me.

And this is not about serial killing, tabloid fodder or the sensational sell of any kind.

For the last thirty years or so my brother’s behavior has annoyed me. For the last twenty it has repulsed me.

Now?

I have been biting my tongue so hard, for so long that I have something resembling a layer of old swiss cheese as a coverlet.

Hard to taste anything else.

In all of my sixty-two years I have never met a more self-indulgent, entitled, pompous and “my way’s right” human being.

With not a hint of humility.

None.

Nothing.

No prospect or even vague understanding of it either.

And we’re talking about a highly intelligent human being here.

But it’s really not about the capacity to comprehend. It’s about being selfish.

And being steadfastly unwilling to change.

Not unable. Unwilling.

This sense of unwillingness is interwoven and threaded through all of the self-indulgence, entitlement, pomposity and lack of humility.

Indescribable stubbornness runs deep to boot.

But I suppose it all could change and for the better.

That’s what optimism and positivity can do for you.

It would be wonderful if change of this sort could evolve smoothly.

It would be great to live in a perfect world too.

Dreams are dreams and reality is sometimes sobering. Stages of life can be sobering. Just the way it is.

But it is shameful and very sad that it can take a tragedy to shock a person into better — even good and proper — behavior. It shouldn’t have to come to that.

Aye, but a perfect world it’s not mate.

I have experienced this phenomenon burst onto my scene tsunami-style one-and-a-half times in the last short period. And one-and-a-half times would be an apt accounting as the first scenario is pretty much a done deal while the other is still unfolding but heading in the “right” direction.

In the first case one of my dearest and closest pals — the self-avowed and self-acclaimed asshole of the modern era — suffered a massive stroke which 4 years later finds him severely debilitated. He is confined to a wheelchair with nothing more than the use of one side of his body — not his dominant side either — a well-functioning brain (obviously not what it was) and a 180 degree turn in attitude, philosophy and humility quotient.

This is nothing short of astounding, stunningly remarkable.

I’ve not seen anything like it ever.

Once a braggadocious, bellicose, abrasive bully brimming with vitriol, he is now kind, relatively soft-spoken with an aversion to cursing, and an excellent listener. And grateful. And humble. And thoughtful.

His traumatic brain injury has made him a better man. A better human being.

I can only hope for the same or close to it for my brother, a central figure in case number two.

About 5 or 6 weeks ago at the end of September it was around dusk as he and his wife departed a neighborhood restaurant to return to their car. While walking in the crosswalk synced with their walk signal in a tricky 5-way intersection, the two were blasted by a flatbed tow truck which somehow didn’t see them.

They both were hit.

My brother suffered 5 broken ribs, a minor brain injury, facial fractures, multiple lacerations and nasty cuts and other assorted bumps and bruises.

His wife, my sister-in-law, bore the brunt of the collision. She was launched airborne and broke her fall with her head. Needless to say she suffered a traumatic brain injury and it will be quite some time before she will return to her old self.

There are no guarantees.

If she makes it all the way back it will only be as a gift from God.

She is progressing in that world but the steps forward are very small and there are countless numbers of steps to take.

The two have been married for over 44 years and together for some time before that. He would be lost without her.

In the immediate aftermath of this horrific accident, my brother’s old self began to re-emerge.

Though in excruciating pain of his own he was kind, caring and absolutely devastated about his wife’s condition.

He was able to think about others through the haze and about them before he thought of himself.

But over time he has ever-so-slightly begun to revert back to the “me first, my way” kind of person he had become.

I am uncertain as to which fork in the road he will choose to follow.

Her convalescence will take what seems like an eternity. Patience has never been a strong suit of his.

A seemingly endless rehabilitation versus a profound lack of tolerance, endurance, fortitude and stoicism.

Perhaps the irresistible force paradox will prevail; that is, if in fact an irresistible force exists, then there is no such thing as an immovable object.

And he has demonstrated great potential to be — and has been — a lovely person to all during previous times of his life.

The key is to get this object (him) moving in the right direction consistently. Certainly still a work in process and a herculean undertaking.

I am comforted by and take great solace in knowing that this kind of turnaround can take place.

I have seen it happen.

Pardon my naivete, but surely no rational individual in my world would wish harm on another in an effort to achieve any purpose, however well-intended or ill-begotten.

I certainly would not.

And as I noted in the first sentence of this writing, I love my brother unconditionally; always have and always will. Everyone has character flaws, myself very much included.

But we as human beings can only control so much.

And we start — and maybe end — with our own behavior.

All of us.

No exceptions.

[Editor’s Note: This piece was written by Mr. Kaplan in November 2016.]

ADDENDUM: My brother and his wife have fully recovered from their tragic run-in with the flatbed tow truck and we all thank God for this miracle. His behavior has improved. Today — on the date of this submission — my brother will undergo the first of two complex and comprehensive neck and back surgeries. His health is not great and he’s a bit compromised but somehow remains a viable candidate for these surgeries. We humbly ask God for yet another miracle.