FRIENDS HELPING FRIENDS: MO’ AND MO’ OFTEN

Definition of a friend: “ a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”

Definition of friendship: “the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends…a relationship between friends…a state of mutual trust and support…”

Synonyms of a relationship between friends: “amity, camaraderie…comradeship, companionship, fellowship…understanding…unity…”

I often wonder if the meaning of “friends” and “friendship” is the same as it used to be.

Has the meaning stood the test of time?

Perhaps more importantly, is the depth of concept still alive and well? Is it thriving? Flourishing?

Because without something truly strong supporting this “depth,” all you have are words. And words alone are hollow. They are meaningless by themselves.

Once uttered, words must be buttressed by accordant actions. True friends owe this to one another at the very least. They must commit to being there most especially in times of need, as there is no trick to commitment when everything is hunky-dory.

Another key element inherent to a friendship’s strong foundation is an acknowledgement of the value of evenhandedness and equality.

There must be as close to a 50–50 give-and-take understanding and mentality as can be. If one party reaps a consistently greater or larger benefit than the other, things can sour quickly as resentment and then animosity surface.

So there is a certain measure of self-sacrifice which must be made and exercised regularly.

Some are more naturally inclined toward giving rather than taking; others the converse. A workable balance is the objective.

And the dynamics of every friendship are different and uniquely their own.

So how much should friends help friends?

As often as possible?

Always?

Once in a while?

What is healthy?

And what exactly is “helping?”

Does it mean listening? Talking? Doing? Simply being and being present?

Does it encompass all of these things?

I have been very fortunate in my lifetime in scores of ways, but having a lot of friends and being able to effectively manage and maintain these friendships is right at the top of the list.

My circle of friends spans the ages: early childhood, childhood, high school, college and well beyond. Most if not all of these friendships are deep enough that they needn’t be reaffirmed by constant contact.

Until recently I have not communicated with any friend on a daily basis.

During childhood, adolescence and even early adulthood, yes.

Afterward, no.

You get older, your web of responsibility widens, down-time seems to lessen and everyday contact inevitably falls by the wayside.

In fact, the principal reason that I talk to one of my life-long pals today — each and every day — is that it’s helpful to him.

Sure it’s good for me too, but before fate dealt him a crippling blow — literally — we were able to enjoy and nourish our friendship without daily or even in some cases weekly or monthly contact.

And this remains true with all of my friends.

But exceptions are made as the need arises. Or they should be made.

I mean that’s what it’s all about.

Give-and-take represents the crux of the matter.

Would you open your house to a friend in need?

I’ve done that.

Would you rent a floor of your house to a friend who requested lodging (at below market price no less)?

Done that too and in one instance it very nearly cost us our friendship.

Would you give a friend a job?

We had opted to do this historically in our family business and even though we recognized that a highly recommended course of action it was not due to its low success rate along with the very real prospect of irreparably damaging the friendship if things went south, we did it anyway.

More than once.

Live and learn I guess but you make the effort, perhaps largely due to the “there but for the grace of God go I” canon.

Does this make me a better friend than you? Of course not.

But what it does do is to tangibly demonstrate a willingness to help.

Trying to help is an important root of a good and strong friendship but it is much bigger than that.

It is a founding moral precept of a good and strong life.

Selflessness not selfishness.

Friends should help friends more and more often.

And though it sounds like preaching, it’s not.

It’s called a preeminent truth.

[Editor’s Note: This piece was written by Mr. Kaplan in June 2016.]